I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
