she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
not ubering you a puppy
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
