this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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