Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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