they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
