we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
whose parrot is this?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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