I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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