you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
