I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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