Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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