Already got asked if we're dating
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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