You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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