he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
