in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
