"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
