mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I need to align my fucking chakras
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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