I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
