We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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