WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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