i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
