checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
did i walk over a car last night?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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