there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
