i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
