I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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