just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
