Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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