I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
