who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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