Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
