They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
