had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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