you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize