I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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