I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
