ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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