she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize