I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
