Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
