oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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