I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
