I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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