you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
