why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you win again, gameday.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Green mimosas i think yes
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
