mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
