I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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