We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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