i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
