No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
