I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
