lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize