My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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