I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
time to smoke my breakfast
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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