I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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