the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize