update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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