shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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