i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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