I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
