We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
