got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
