Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
