...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
