I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
